tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
