So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion