you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
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Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
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drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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