guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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