I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
