nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
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I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize