I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
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he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
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Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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