So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
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And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
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On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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