i think my tv is drunk
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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