I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
