Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
