I cannot find my penis.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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