Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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