My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
