My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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