i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
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the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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