The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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