How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
