i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
