well I can't set my house on fire every night
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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