Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
