I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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