Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
