My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
