Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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