I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
