there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
