No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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