if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
