Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
