Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
