in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
