I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
