You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
