There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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