I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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