I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
