and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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