Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The cops high fived after they tackled you
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
