I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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