you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
