That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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