I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
he was CRYING into my vagina
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
