Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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