I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
