just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
