I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Randomize
