I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
