Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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