That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
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When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
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Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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