I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.