I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.