we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.