just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.