just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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