I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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