Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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