So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
there was a trapeze. enough said
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
