Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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