im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
