Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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