Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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